Breaking the Silence: My Battle Against Coercive Control

Surviving a coercive controlled relationship is the hardest battle I've faced.

In Australia, nearly 1 in 4 women over the age of 15 have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner, with many of these involving coercive control. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by an individual to dominate, manipulate, and control another person in a relationship. It is a form of psychological abuse that involves tactics such as intimidation, threats, isolation, monitoring, and manipulation to exert power and control over the victim. This behaviour is often subtle and insidious, making it difficult for the victim to recognise and escape from the abusive situation. Coercive control can have serious and long-lasting effects on the victim's mental and emotional well-being.

My coercive controlled relationship left me bankrupt and severely traumatised. I was physically threatened and my family had money extorted from them to address the threats made against my life by the associates of my abuser. In 2004 this was an even larger sum of money than it is today. Along with this treatment, I endured mental, emotional, sexual, physical, and further financial abuse as everything I owned (including an apartment I bought) was sold and the money taken by him or used to settled the debts he raised in my name. Just as impactful was the manipulation and systematic undermining of my sense of self. Equally painful was that some of my closest friends were aggressively alienating toward me during that dark time. At one point I fled to other side of the country to escape the dangerous people he associated with and was systematically isolated from my friends and family. This treatment left me with deep scars which I am working on healing still. As the child of a migrant parents for whom English is a second language, I was not aware of how to get the kind of support I needed to escape my abusive tormentor (who still remains free and is working in Sydney).

Fortunately it is possible to heal from this type of abuse, and through that process, I found my purpose which includes helping and empowering others recovering from similar situations. The first step is learning to identify the signs of a Coercive Control relationship:

1. Isolation: Cutting you off from friends and family.

2. Monitoring: Constantly checking your phone, emails, or whereabouts.

3. Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own reality and sanity.

4. Financial Control: Restricting access to money or controlling your finances.

5. Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, fear, or threats to control you.

6. Sexual Coercion: Pressuring or forcing you into unwanted sexual activities.

7. Physical and Verbal Abuse: Any form of physical harm, threats and undermining, including violently smashing objects in your presence.

Recognising these signs is the first step to reclaiming your life. You are not alone, and there is help available.

Your journey to healing begins with acknowledging the truth and reaching out for the support you deserve. 

Sharing this feels so much easier now. It’s necessary for me, because after years of second-guessing myself and living in fear, I have reclaimed my power. It’s important to normalise conversations about surviving abuse — this is how someone in a similar relationship might recognise themselves and feel empowered to take their first steps toward recovery. I have deeply recovered from that toxic relationship. I share this because, after decades of withdrawing from connection and years of therapy and healing work, I am now okay with allowing myself to be seen.

My story is one of many, yet each one is crucial. By speaking out, I hope to shed light on the insidious nature of coercive control and encourage others to recognise the signs and seek help.